I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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