woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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