Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
