I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
