Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
