I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
