How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
