i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
