I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
where am i from again
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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