i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
