every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
