Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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