I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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