I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize