You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
