dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize