Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
