You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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