Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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