Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
