i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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