I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
