non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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