i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
