You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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