I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
