The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
