her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
