The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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