Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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