Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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