two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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