I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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