He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
