I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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