I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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