Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
