take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
