i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
