A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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