im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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