dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
