Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
