it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
