She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Found your dick twin last night
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
