I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
