Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
