I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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