forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
