just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
