actually, I'm a sock model
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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