watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
