Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
